Why Baba Ramdev hunting for corona cure is the best news this pandemic

Don’t underestimate the power of Baba. History tells us he has had a cure for almost everything, even if it may not have worked.

Illustration: Prathap Ravishankar

Baba Ramdev once fled Delhi’s Ramlila Maiden dressed like a woman. Many critics still rib him for draping a chunri around his legendary beard and morphing into an invulnerable babe from a venerable Baba.

But, the Baba’s quick lingaparivartan aasan, a yogic posture known only to ascetics like him or to Lords like Vishnu (remember the Mohini avatar?) was actually an ode to the divine powers he is credited with by his bhakts. You see, it was, in deference to the spirit of the occasion, Ram’s lila (magical act).

The good news: that night Baba used his lila at Ramlila Maidan to save his own backside from lathis; now the caped crusader is stepping up to save the world from the coronavirus pandemic.

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Last week, Baba’s Patanjali group got an approval from authorities to conduct clinical trials of its product that can cure Covid. The Baba’s Patanjali group has started clinical trials in Jaipur and Indore for the treatment.

“We are not talking about an immunity booster.  We are talking about a cure,” Acharya Balkrishna, managing director of Patanjali, told the media.

Related news: Patanjali’s plea for Ayurvedic medicine trials on COVID-19 patients raises eyebrows

Notice that Acharya ji said his group is looking for a cure, not a vaccine. This difference is important to note because of Baba’s ideological position on eggs. You’d obviously ask what have eggs got to do with this? Well, you see, most vaccines are cultured and grown in eggs. And Baba thinks eggs are hen’s poop because, ah well, they don’t come out of its front side. So, vaccines would have been a chicken-and-s**t dilemma for the Baba. If he had dabbled in vaccines, Baba may have been left with egg on his face. Ergo, they are out.

Yet, for a company that specialises in toothpastes, hair oil and medicines for organic juices for erectile dysfunction, joining the hunt for a coronavirus cure is a giant leap. So far, only pharma giants like Gilead (manufacturers of remdisivir), Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson were looking for a cure or a vaccine. But that Baba & Bhakts have got the nod for conducting trials for a cure is a proud moment for India. Inspired by it, next, Dabur could be sending rockets to space.

Don’t underestimate the power of Baba, though. History tells us he has had a cure for almost everything, even if it may not have worked, or nobody may have cared to give it a kapalbhaati. Before the 2104 elections, his cure for black money was complete abolition of income tax. Before that, after predicting the days of Article 370 were numbered, he had suggested a Patanjali factory in Jammu & Kashmir as a panacea for unemployment. All that glitters is not gold. Similalrly, all that is saffron can find a corona cure.

Knowing Baba, we can only surmise what Baba’s corona cure could be. But, it is most likely to be so simple that once a cure is revealed everyone would just kick themselves for not finding it themselves. For restoring hair growth, for instance, Baba advises rubbing your thumbnails against each other. May be the cure would be as simple as gargling thrice with a saline solution of gau-mutra and giloy. Just a variation on the art of twiddling thumbs.

Or, it may be a mix of yogic postures and breathing exercises.

He may, after trials, advise everyone to suck their stomach in, close the nostrils and then push air out of the mouth with great force. The possible logic: it will empty the lungs of corona-contaminated air. This particular technique, like his world-famous breathing exercise alom-violam, may be labelled corona-marona (corona, go die).

He may ask us to all to stand on our heads and chant go, corona, go. Why? Because he is himself turning pharmacological science on its head by making a toothpaste-and-tel (oil) company to look for a medical cure. Go, Baba, go!

Baba may exhort us to rub our noses on the ground, arguing that the friction generated would increase the blood flow in the nasal cavity, and, thus, increase our immunity. In the end, if he actually has the cure, we would be any one rubbing our noses on the ground beneath his feet with gratitude.

Or, eureka, he may ask us all to dress like kids. If Baba can escape cops by wearing feminine attire, why can’t all of us evade corona by dressing as children? Remember, corona spares kids. With Baba’s blessings, we can all turn into Babalog and before Covid says gotcha, we can all say, ha, fooled ya.

Beware, colona uncle!

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