Vicktrina ka vyah: Oh, the beauty of it all, My Dears!

So that’s over now, My Dears! It was a dream! It was a nightmare! It was entertainment! All at one place, at Six Senses, Fort Barwara, Jaipur. Jaipur! Fort! Barbara! No, Barwara! Listen kittens, Vick (swag, kittens!) looked so, so good in an ivory silk sherwani embroidered with fine marori threads! A feast to the eyes, not to mention the senses! And Kat! Kat shone like the moon, not one crack or crater visible on her face under such lovely-lovely makeup!

She wore a huge ‘nathni’ (nose-ring, my dears!) that complimented her gorgeous looks! She donned a kundan matha-patti on the forehead! Imagine! A kundan matha-patti! (For the uninitiated it is a popular piece of head jewellery!) But what stole our hearts was her mangalsutra that was adorned with two small drop-down diamonds!!

And, darlings, who do you think first had a look at Kat’s wedding fineries on the close-circuited TV in the lobby? Yours truly, hahaha. The dream girl wore a choker of uncut diamonds in 22k gold detailed with hand-strung pearls. Pearls! From the oceans’ depths! Well, I could have sat down and wept, which I did, later, when I realised they will never let me into the wedding hall, or, at the very least, to their bedroom. Don’t we have a right to know? Just asking. (This is no longer a free country, Sayona—Editor)

But never mind, I saw it all first on the screen beating a hundred reporters to it from all over the country, all flown in by the Team, which has reportedly sold the wedding rights to an OTT platform for ₹80 crores! Please forgive me My Dears, if, for a moment, I look back at my own marriage, that ghastly incident that took place in Little Mary Hall, Goregaon, and which lasted all of three inexplicable weeks! (I have repeatedly warned you that you cannot drag your tragic personal details into your reports-Editor).

Also read: Life in Delhi: Where is my Montelukast—and other breathing aids?

Oh, I am getting side-tracked. Really, ₹80 crores!!! And Dear Kat’s wedding post trended, darlings! It Trended! Went Viral!! Busted the Internet!!! 10.5 million likes on Twitter!!! Go figure.

And let me give you an exclusive piece of information, my dears, which you can share with your grandchildren when the time comes: Deepika and Ranveer’s wedding post had only 5.5 million likes! So, my dears, we now know who is more popular! I immediately tweeted it, tagging Roll, and what did you think happened? It started trending, that is what! Now for the sad news, My Dears! Priyanka Chopra got only 3. 4 million likes for her wedding post, but though I knew this fact faster and better than anyone, I kept it to myself, Darlings, because this is an auspicious day and we don’t want to break hearts, do we?

Then the Team found out that we had had no food at all the whole day though we were looking our very best, reporting the greatest event of the century. The Team apologised profusely (profusely!) and gifted us ‘the goodies’. Well, the others ripped off the wrappings (such bad taste!), looking for a gold ring or some such, but I knew it was going to be besan ke laddoos! And so it was. Besan ke laddoos! Oh, well, we all laughed till tears came to our eyes, but not one of us uttered a single curse. That’s how good we investigative reporters are at heart.

In any case, there was no time, because the screen flashed breaking news: ‘My Heart Made Space For Another Person Today’. Immortal words! That was Vick’s younger brother Sunny, who I had investigated earlier in the morning on Wikipedia, and realised he was a poet. I crushed on Sunny! I had tweeted it immediately, but it did not trend! I was sad no one cared for poetry, darlings!

But by this time, my bladder was sending SOS to my little, pretty head! I dashed to the washroom, and who did I run into there! Director Kabir Khan!! Kabir, and his wife, Mini Mathur! Please, I said to the Power Couple, please I said, give our Roll readers, an exclusive! Well, they said in unison: “It was very good. Better than ours, let us be honest! The wedding was very beautiful. Yes, that was what it was. Beautiful!”

Also read: Dear Aryan, hope you are well… and keep your mask on

Then they removed their masks and said, “We could give you one more nugget of information.” Yes, please, I said! “But only on condition of anonymity,” they said. “You got it, Kabir,” I said, at liberal Roll we protect our sources. “Well, all right then, this is the most peaceful wedding we have been to. There was no sign of Salman Khan anywhere!” Ouch! No Sallu!

Well, my darlings, that tweet got me 20 more followers and it just goes to show if you are talking sense, social media is the place for a new generation journalist.

As I was about to leave, Mini Mathur said, “Sayona, dear, you are such a fine journalist, so I will give you one more exclusive.” My nose twitched. “Sayona, Kat was gorgeous, and I heard her tell Vick’s father, “We are going to be a very happy family.” Well, I hugged Mini, and both of us cried for the beauty of it all, darlings. (A good touch, but best to keep this for another exclusive report. Break news into tiny bits and post at regular intervals—Editor).

(CP Surendran’s novel, One Love And The Many Lives of Osip B, is now available on Amazon and at all leading books stores across India.)