Happily ever afterlife: How my cousin got married 30 years after her death

It was a usual Sunday when I was lazing around the house. My mother was nicer than usual which is typical of her when she wants me to do something she knows I would resist.

Having waited for a couple of hours, trying to find that right moment, she said, “Shobha is getting married and I want you to accompany me to the wedding ceremony.” Confused, I asked, “Who is Shobha?”

“Your cousin and my sister’s daughter,” Ma replied.

Surprised, I said, “But Doddamma’s [mother’s sister] daughter Asha got married last year.” While I was thinking Ma must have mixed up the names, she said, “Your Doddamma had one more daughter, Shobha. But she died 30 years ago, 28 days after birth.”

Ma was quick to realise the rumblings in my mind and told me that the man Shobha was getting married to, Chandappa, too died around the same time as Shobha, shortly after his birth.

Bizarre much?

This bizarre and unbelievable story is part of a tradition named Kuletha Madime (Pretha Kalyan) followed by the people of Tulunadu region in Dakshina Kannada.

Although my mother’s conversation left me puzzled because I was not aware that Doddamma had lost a daughter, the custom itself wasn’t entirely alien to me. About 10-12 years back there was a similar marriage in my extended family but I wasn’t allowed to attend that because I was too young and only adults attend the “marriage of the dead”.

The tradition was a result of the belief that the dead just don’t go away but are walking and living among us even when we can’t see them, hold them or talk to them. So, when Doddamma’s eldest son got engaged, she decided that she should marry Shobha off or else she would be left alone.

Now, the dead cannot marry the living. They can only tie the knot with the dead. If finding a good match is difficult, finding a ‘dead match’ is close to impossible. Many things must click including caste, lineage and age.

Doddamma was comparatively luckier in her hunt for a ‘son-in-law’. Once she decided and told the elders about her wish, everyone came together to look for a ‘suitable boy’. Soon, the family zeroed in on a close relative’s family that had lost their son around the same time my Doddamma lost Shobha.

The two families consulted a priest to check the compatibility between the two. The priest suggested that the wedding should take place during Aati Amavasya, which is celebrated in the Aati month of the Tulu calendar on a no-moon day. Interestingly, Aati is considered an inauspicious month and no new beginnings are made during this month. Marriages are forbidden during Aati. But the marriage of the dead must take place only during the month of Aati.

Keeping the directions of the priest in mind, the families decided on July 28.

So, on July 28 I accompanied my mother to Doddamma’s house to attend a wedding of the deceased for the first time. In Tulu custom, marriages happen during morning hours but when it comes to the dead, the ceremony takes place only after sunset.

However, the day is filled with celebrations. During the day there was a mehandi ceremony and a few other rituals. When evening descended, the marriage procession started from the bride’s home. The procession was welcomed with pomp and gaiety upon reaching the groom’s house with women from both sides lining up and exchanging kumkum, holy water and perfume among other things. There was not a single dull moment in the wedding. Everyone was happy, cracking jokes and celebrating, just like they celebrate the marriage of the living.

While modern marriages have undergone many changes with the influence of cinema, the marriage of the dead hasn’t changed much.

But how is the wedding solemnised if the bride and the groom are not present? Some use dolls made of clay. But in our family, we used all the garments the bride and groom would wear – like saree, blouse, dhoti, kurta, jewellery and flowers etc.

Eager to know more about the significance of the tradition, I spoke to the president of Tulu Sahitya Academy Dayananda Kathalsar.

“This is one way for the family to grieve. It also helps give closure to the families if they have been grieving for a long time. Children are not allowed to witness the wedding since they might get scared and unable to comprehend the nuances,” Kathalsar said.

The wedding may not bring back the dead but it does unite two families and may even help them cope better.

“I am relieved the wedding took place without any hiccups. I am so happy that my daughter will be happy in her afterlife. The two families have come together because of a marriage and we will be inviting each other to all future events. Also, each year during Aati, we will visit the groom’s house and bring back our daughter for a few days like it is done for usual brides,” Doddamma said with a smile even though the wedding preparations and the event left her tired.

The tradition that may appear strange and funny to many is cathartic for those who have not been able to come to terms with their losses. It provides them a closure that the souls of the deceased are at peace and helps families move on.