Miss Universe, sexism, capitalist-imperialism, and a Harvard offer

Last week, on the day Ms Harnaaz Sandhu won the Miss UNIVERSE title, I met the intrepid journalist, Ms Sayona Lee, who recently won international acclaim for her coverage of the Vicky Kaushal-Katrina Kaif wedding. Our meeting was at the Delhi international airport lounge. Ms Sayona Lee was on her way to Harvard, where she had been offered an academic assignment. Excerpts from a freewheeling interview:

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“Please excuse my academic digressions!’ Ms Sayona Lee said, “I represent a new breed of gender-neutral journalists who sees society as a sociological phenomenon moving beyond the capitalist-imperialist paradigm, evolving to equality of opportunity and outcome!”

“Professor Jordan Peterson says equality of outcome is not possible. That we must all become robots before that can happen.”

“Professor Peterson! Arch patriarch! I am going to Harvard partly to dismantle his arguments.”

“But Harvard is a product of …”

“Patriarchy? Haha! But by accepting their offer I am giving them a chance to rectify their historical mistakes!!!”

“Congratulations.” My eyes had turned green with envy.

“Why are your eyes green?” Ms Sayona Lee asked with concern.

“I have conjunctivitis,” I said without conviction. “Let’s do this interview. It’s about Ms Harnaaz Santhu, the Miss Universe winner last week.”

“The only thing that initially prevented me from accepting the Harvard offer was my dread of sitting in the airplane, a capitalist-imperialist invention, contributing to global warming!”

“The alternative is to go by ship,” I said.

“Also a capitalist-imperialist invention! Colonial, too. No ship, no colonialism,” Ms Sayona Lee pointed out coldly. “That’s what I liked about the Vickitrina event the most. The camels were their official transport, and Vicky, the sweet man he is, said on condition of extreme anonymity that he would be riding one from Jaipur to Mumbai. Saves money, too.”

“Exactly, I said to him, that is what an environmentally threatened world demands!” Ms Sayona Lee sat back. “Now, what did you want to talk about, again?”

“It’s about Harnaaz Sandhu winning the Miss Universe title.”

“First of all, it should be called Universe (Female). More gender-neutral.”

“There is a Mister Universe, as you know,” I said without any particular connection to what she was saying. “Remember all those guys with massive muscles grimacing in their tiny undies?”

“Muscles represent toxic masculinity. Men should ideally look and behave weak and needy,” Ms Sayona Lee paused. “Anyway, call it Universe (Female), until I find something better.”

“Yes, sure.” I referred to my notes written for me by my progressive editor, who had hinted over last night’s drinks that he was going to soon out himself as a transgender with Dalit proclivities, after clearing the initiative with the management. This was so the management could use the revelation as a circulation drive. These are desperate times. “A lot of people, especially revolutionary men, believe the Miss Universe event is sexist and capitalist-imperialist, not to say white-colonial-racist. Do you agree?”

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“There is a touch of Harvard to your deep question. But let me tell you this.” Ms Sayona Lee consulted her phone yet again. “Yes, Vicky and Kat have begun their camel ride back to Bandra. They certainly are a very environment-friendly couple. We have a lot to learn from them, I feel.”

“I was talking about Miss Universe.”

“UNIVERSE (F).”

“UNIVERSE (F).”

“Listen to me carefully.”

“Yes?”

“Have you met Harnaaz?”

“No, but I have been trying to call her up.”

“How many times?”

“13 times, I think.”

“An unlucky number. I will put you out of your misery. I have met Harnaaz in person. I have investigated, so to say!”

“And?”

“She is very beautiful! You know why?”

“Why?”

“She is tall, she has curves!! Her eyes are big, her teeth are white, and even her hair is dark and thick, and her nose is straight. That’s what beauty is! Anywhere.”

“That is very interesting, very sociological, and non-sexist. I can quote you, surely?”

“Wait until I get on that plane.”

“So, you don’t believe the Universe (F) pageant is capitalist-imperialist…”

“It is what it is. You are going on like a broken record. Where are you from?”

“Kerala.”

“Kerala. Didn’t a school there last week introduce gender-neutral uniform?”

“Yes! Now boys and girls wear shirts and trousers. The parent-teachers’ association approved it.”

“Why not the teachers too?”

“Teachers what?”

“Why not the teachers follow the same code of dress?”

“Ah.”

“And why not the parents?”

“The parents?”

“Yes. Are you deaf?”

“Well…”

“And listen.”

“Yes?” It was clear my interview with Ms Sayona Lee had been stood on its head. Ms Sayona Lee had deconstructed the interview more successfully than might a Jacques Derrida.

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“Why not make the boys wear skirts, instead of girls wearing trousers?”

“Gee, Ms Sayona Lee!” I said. “So you are saying there is nothing wrong with the Miss Universe event? Nothing wrong with this capitalist-imperialist sexist world?”

“Universe (F). Don’t start me on it again. You see all these Digital Profile pictures of men and women in social media?”

“Yes?” What was the unpredictable Ms Sayona Lee going to drop on my head now?

“See one ugly mug shot there?”

“You are saying…” Jeez, what IS she saying?

“They all want to look good, let me tell you !!!” Ms Sayona Lee said just as the PA system announced the capitalist flight to New York.

Ms Sayona Lee got up. She looked so good, I thought, but refrained from saying it. You never knew what could come off that. “Thank you for the interview.” I swallowed hard. The fact was that my brains had been blown by her insights. “I will playback the interview.”

“Well, you can’t quote me, I am sorry. Put everything in third person, so I can sue you later on.”

“But why not?”

“Because the Harvard guys may not appreciate it. They are so patriarchal they want nothing to do with patriarchy!!!”

“All right, then. Thanks. Good luck with Harvard.”

“Have you seen the offer they made me?”

“No”

“Here, take a good look!”

She held out her phone. I saw that Ms Sayona Lee has indeed been offered – contrary to the rumours – a tenured professorship in Media Studies with special emphasis on the Ethics and Sexuality of Investigative Journalism. It bore the signature of Mohan Bhagwat.

(The Federal seeks to present views and opinions from all sides of the spectrum. The information, ideas or opinions in the articles are of the author and do not reflect the views of The Federal)

(CP Surendran’s novel, One Love And The many Lives Of Osip B, is available on Amazon and in leading book stores in India).