Happily Divorced: How women have come to reclaim lives

Ayisha (name changed) was not even 20 when she got married in the mid-1980s. When marital problems became unbearable, she came to her parents who always sent her back to her husband, which went on for a long time. Meanwhile, the couple went abroad, had three kids and was seen as a happy family. Somewhere along the bitter-sweet journey, Ayisha fell ill. Frequent attacks of the illness made her dependent on medicines, while finding solace in the innocent smile of her grandchild. It took her more than 30 years of unhappy life and the chronic illness to move to divorce, shocking everyone around. Though the pain and difficulties gifted by the illness still trouble her, she is now leading a peaceful life.

The year 2002 was crucial for Veena – she got married and her problems began. Despite being educated and hailing from a socio-economically well-off family, she didn’t share with anybody at all the mental and physical torture inflicted by her husband. However, when they got to know about it all, her parents stood with Veena, all the while scared of the society and its questions. It took her three years and a son to break free and file for divorce. With the support and encouragement of her second husband, Veena began a YouTube channel which now boasts of more than 2.5 million subscribers. She now leads a happy life with her husband and two sons.

While Aysha took more than 30 years to divorce and redesign her life, it was comparatively easier for Veena. Despite the social stigma and trauma associated with the D-word which is still not socially accepted, women are gradually walking out of toxic or abusive marriages, and some are restarting their lives altogether post-divorce, with/without remarriage.

Marriage and family are considered the foundations of society. However, divorce is an inevitable part too, though a difficult but well-thought-out choice for some, with its own consequences. Be it man or woman, parting ways after being together is a tough decision that needs much courage, especially in the society that still looks down upon it as taboo. India is in the list of countries with the least number of divorces annually.

According to reports, India’s neighbouring country Maldives has the highest divorce rate in the world with 5.52 divorces per 1,000 people, closely followed by Kazakhstan, Russia, Belgium and Belarus. Meanwhile, Sri Lanka, Guatemala and Vietnam have low divorce rates of less than 1 in 1,000 people. Though India doesn’t keep a distinct registry of divorces, data from its census carried out every 10 years (last conducted in 2011), along with various surveys and research studies show that divorces are increasing in the country.

A study of the 2011 census, conducted by Suraj Jacob and Sreeparna Chattopadhyay showed that 13.6 lakh individuals were divorced in India, amounting to 0.24% of the married population and 0.11% of the total population. However, the study also reveals that 0.61% of the married population were separated, probably pointing towards the taboo associated with the D-word or the elongated judicial process involved in getting divorce.

“If marriages are celebrated with a grand function, why can’t divorce also be?” Renowned writer late Kamala Suraiyya alias Madhavikkutty had raised this question in a television interview years ago. She had pointed towards the difficulty of leading a peaceful life under one roof when the people under it do not love each other, and the relief of being able to go one’s own separate way peacefully after divorce.

The society, however, had not matured/grown up enough to digest her words back then. But the present times provide a few examples of such celebrations too in the form of divorce parties and divorce photoshoots. It had attracted the attention of the country when news came out in September last year about a Ranchi family that organised a baraat when their daughter returned home from her in-laws alleging torture, and decided to file for divorce.

A similar baraat was reported from Kanpur this May. The divorce photoshoot shared on Instagram by Tamil actress Shalini had created ripples last year. Her post accompanying the photos read, “It’s okay to leave a bad marriage ’cause You deserve to be happy and never settle for less, take control of your lives and make the changes necessary to create a better future for yourself and your children.”

Docu-film ‘Happily Divorced’

And that is exactly what director Nisha Retnamma is trying to convey in her documentary film titled Happily Divorced. The film tells the stories of three Keralite women from different backgrounds, who broke free from their toxic/difficult married lives and are living happily with/without a remarriage. The idea of the film came from her experience related to divorce. Nisha got married in 2003 when she was 23, and left the relationship 14 years later. It was a tough but inevitable decision.

She noticed that everyone around her was ashamed to say that she was a divorcee. However, Nisha found a happy life after divorce – she moved to Dubai, where she got a new job and a life-partner. She wanted to talk about her newfound peace and happiness after divorce. She also met men and women who admitted they were not courageous enough to say that they were divorced or that they were happy after divorce. All these factors prompted her to say it out loud that she was a happily divorced person.

“There has been considerable change in the society’s attitude towards divorce in the last 4-5 years,” said Adv Sapna Parameswarath (prosecutor, POCSO Court, Perinthalmanna, and founder-member of Calicut-based Punarjani Lady Lawyers’ Initiative) who has been dealing with marital and family issues for 20 years. She recalls that earlier when a woman came up to raise any marital issues, she had to stand up alone without any support from family or relatives.

Many women suffered problems in their marital life and moved on because of the insecurities of coming out of a marital relationship. But nowadays, divorce is getting accepted and people do not shy away from saying they are divorced or single parents. She also added that the decision to come out of a strained relationship is a very personal choice needing much courage without regard to the social, financial or educational factors, citing two incidents in her experience – one in which a woman working as a domestic help and living with her three children in a rented house wanted divorce from her drunkard husband, while in another, a woman stood with her husband who was accused of abusing their own child who was then sent to a shelter home.

Lack of financial independence, honour of family, the custody of children, questions of society, the legal complexities and costs, delayed justice etc are a few factors that dissuade people from leaving a toxic relationship and opting for divorce. Nisha hinted to the recent incidents of women resorting to suicide owing to unbearable domestic violence, despite being educated and employed, while refusing to opt out for divorce. While such untoward incidents are being reported from several places, other changes are also taking place in the society though very gradually. More women are getting financially independent, which brings changes in several areas including the decision to get married and having children. A private survey conducted last year showed that young women in Kerala were not willing to get married, while preferring to work and live alone. The judiciary cannot stay away from the changes in society. A Supreme Court verdict in 2017 allowed the trial court to waive the cooling off time in mutual consent divorces under the Hindu Marriage Act. Adv Sapna cited the Kerala High Court verdict regarding ‘qula’ in 2021 as revolutionary by which Muslim women could initiate a divorce.

While reiterating that one should not sacrifice one’s peace and happiness for the sake of children, honour of family members or for the sake of society, Nisha Retnamma shared a common question that she had to face after the film – whether she was encouraging divorce and breaking families. The director explains the objectives of her film, “One is to initiate a discussion in the society about divorce, as this is a taboo subject. And the other is to tell the world that there is life after divorce. Everybody is entitled to happiness and peace. I am not encouraging divorce, I am only encouraging people to get out of their toxic relationship or bad marriages and to live a happy life.”