Not for better or worse? When adoptive parents seek to hand over custody of child

The boy’s widowed mother has approached the Delhi high court seeking to hand over his custody. According to reports, she alleges that his aggressive and hypersexual behaviour has left her, her elderly mother and her sister fearful for their safety. She has also described him as intellectually disabled and sought medical care and placement in a government or private institution, offering to contribute towards the expenses according to her means.

Adopted at six, the boy is now 14. His case raises questions about parental responsibilities, the challenges of adoption and the support available when a family struggles to cope.

“These things (returning an adopted child) happen all the time,” says Santosh Koulagi, secretary of the Janapada Seva Trust in Melkote (Karnataka), who has more than four decades of experience in adoption. The Trust runs an adoption centre, Karunagruha, among its other activities, where children receive “care and protection while legal processes for adoption are completed”. According to Koulagi’s estimate, for every publicised case, there may be 10 others involving what he calls ‘returns’ or ‘deep dissatisfaction’. This is his estimate, not official data. But data reportedly shared by the Central Adoption Resource Authority (CARA) — a statutory body functioning under the aegis of the Ministry of Women and Child Development — in 2020, in response to a Right to Information (RTI) plea, “show nearly four to five per cent of children adopted between 2017 and 2019 were returned to CARA”. The Federal has also reached CARA over email for more information on the subject; the article will be updated if a response is received.

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In February 2024, the Bombay High Court reportedly annulled an adoption after the parents claimed they had “never bonded with the child”. “Although there are many reasons why parents want to return a child, the onus is on them to try and make it work,” Koulagi says.

Dr Aloma Lobo, former CARA chairperson, takes a similar view. A mother of two biological sons and three adopted daughters, she has also fostered nine children before they were adopted by other families. “Adoption is like marriage — for better and worse,” she says. “I am totally against giving back the children.”

The entire adoption process can take two to three years, Koulagi says, though waiting times vary. Once a child joins a family, the work of adjustment begins.

“Often, the joy of adopting a child is short-lived. I call it the honeymoon phase, which can be as short as a week or two or as long as two to four months,” he says.

Parents may hesitate to refuse a child referral for fear of losing their place in the queue. Adoption agencies can advise them about a child’s needs, but proving a potential mismatch before placement can be difficult, Koulagi says, because it is hard to get evidence.

He recalls a couple in their mid-50s who adopted a 13-year-old girl and took her to their home in Coorg. The girl struggled with the rainy weather and solitude and the parents eventually asked him to take her back.

Older children may also struggle with unfamiliar schools, strict parenting or expectations that differ from what they have known. Enrolling a child accustomed to a government school in an expensive private school, for instance, may deepen feelings of isolation, Koulagi says.

Differences in language, culture, food and religion can complicate a child’s adjustment.

Aruna Srinivas, a social worker who conducts post-adoption home visits, recalls a Telugu-speaking 15-year-old girl adopted by Kannada-speaking parents. Communication difficulties and the mother’s strict rules led to frequent conflict. The parents, Srinivas says, expected the girl to be grateful and wanted her to inherit their ancestral home. She left when she turned 18. A few years later, when the parents wanted to sell the property, they had to address their adopted daughter’s legal rights as an heir.

Srinivas also advises parents to consider retaining a child’s original name rather than assuming a change will help the child feel part of the family. “I have seen children looking completely lost in their new surroundings, so changing their name is not helping at all,” she says. The challenge, she adds, is to recognise a child’s existing identity and experiences rather than expect an immediate adjustment to a new family.

Difficulties may surface when a child develops a chronic illness, a genetic medical condition or when developmental or intellectual disabilities become apparent after adoption.

“Most parents are not equipped for this kind of parenting,” says Radha Nagesh, founder of Joy of Adoption, a support group for adoptive families, and a senior adoption counsellor and trainer in trauma-informed care.

Trauma can affect both parents and children, she says. Some prospective adoptive parents have endured years of unsuccessful fertility treatment and have intense trauma about it, while children would have experienced abandonment or physical, sexual or emotional abuse before entering the adoption system.

“Being abandoned at a young age — that is trauma of the next level,” Nagesh says. “It is etched in their body and brain.”

She advocates trauma-informed parenting and access to counsellors experienced in adoption. She also recommends that CARA establish a special committee of experienced counsellors to help guide decisions when placements are in difficulty.

While Koulagi calls for better screening of prospective parents, Lobo says their motivations must also be examined. “The main reason to adopt a child should be because ‘I want to be a parent’,” she says. “Adoption is not charity to the child.”

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But at times even the best efforts may still not succeed in bringing the adoptive parents any closer to the child.

Mala (name change on request) has struggled to care for her 16-year-old daughter, whom she and her husband adopted when the girl was a year old. The couple claim they later noticed that her IQ was low, but they worked to help her continue in mainstream schooling. They had told her she was adopted when she was about seven, believing it was the right thing to do. Since then, Mala says, their daughter has repeatedly invoked her adoption to reject their authority. As the girl grew older, Mala says, she became increasingly aggressive and began challenging her parents’ authority. “She displays aggression, steals from the house, is foul-mouthed and has recently started smoking openly in front of us,” Mala claims.

The couple are unable to contemplate dissolving the adoption because of social pressure. Friends and relatives praise them for adopting a girl, she says, without understanding the difficulties at home. “But we are fed up and are waiting for her to become an adult and get out of our lives,” she says.

Older children (over five years of age) may have strong attachments to their institutions, friends and schools. “When these children are in reasonably good institutions, they should not be compelled to make a traumatic change,” Nagesh says.

Dr Sheila Ramaswamy, an adjunct faculty member and chief scientist heading PRATICRIA (Protection, Response, Advocacy & Transformational Interventions for Children Residing in Adversity), recalls working at the National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (NIMHANS) in Bengaluru when four older boys resisted moving to their adoptive homes were sent there for counselling. The boys were happy at their institution and had friends at school. It was recommended that CARA consider allowing them to stay rather than proceeding with the placements. “Ideally, children must be given a choice, but it is usually tokenism,” she says. Children who want to be adopted must also be prepared for the transition, while home studies should assess whether a placement is safe and suitable.

Social workers documenting a child’s circumstances have a critical responsibility, Nagesh says. “I tell them that the file they are holding, in their hands will become a life.”

CARA’s Adoption Regulations, 2022, distinguish between disruption, when a placement breaks down before an adoption is legally finalised, and dissolution, when a completed adoption is legally annulled. Under Regulation 9(4), adoptive parents found responsible for a disruption or dissolution are barred from adopting again.

Nagesh recalls a two-year-old boy who was not speaking or responding. He received speech therapy after being placed in an institution equipped to support children with developmental needs. “Today, he responds and speaks well,” she says. The child remains there, with his parents committed to supporting him financially.

Lobo talks of situations where parents discover an adopted child to be suffering from serious medical conditions only after the adoption process has been completed. “In some cases, if the parents realise the child is HIV positive, they may return the child within a few weeks,” she says.

Nagesh, too, describes cases in which a single parent discovers that a child has an incurable illness and feels unable to manage the care without adequate support. Such situations, she says, need to be assessed individually.

But whatever the reasons for a breakdown, the consequences for a child can be profound.

“Children’s concept of time is different,” Ramaswamy says. “Even a week may seem long and a month is actually a long time for them. The return will affect them profoundly. They are not clothing or an object to be returned.”

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In the Noida case, the question is how authorities can protect the boy’s interests while assessing the circumstances that have brought his family to court. According to reports, the court has sought the response of CARA, the concerned Child Welfare Committee and the teenager to the adoptive mother’s petition.

“My empathy is for both the child and the mother,” Nagesh says, while Ramaswamy adds that the child’s welfare must remain central even when a parent feels unable to cope. The priority, she says, should be to assess the care and support he needs. She also urges prospective adoptive parents to examine their motivations. Those seeking a child for reasons such as inheritance concerns, support in old age, replacing a child they have lost or the desire to do good, she says, should reconsider their decision.

“It is not about finding the right child but finding the right parent for a child,” she says.

When an adoption breaks down, everyone involved is likely to suffer. But the child might face yet another rupture in an already difficult life. The 14-year-old boy, Ramaswamy believes, needs intensive therapy. “I believe he still has a chance in life.”